LOOKING IN THE MIRROR…


I looked in the mirror this morning, pausing for the first time in a long time to see my 70 year-old self looking back at me. With the inevitable lines and wrinkles mapping out a life fully lived, gray-streaked hair which the pandemic’s lack of salon access has forced into my consciousness, the visible scars from cancer, and a knee replacement, the invisible scars from loss of beloved family, the ending of a much loved career, of my children growing up and moving deep into their own lives, of former loves that faded or sometimes turned into betrayals. It’s all there on my face, my body, my heart.


There are days that the young woman still lives inside me, but these days, she visits less and less. I hope I don’t forget her. She’s the one who experienced the fireworks of first love, the profound peace of a first starry night spent in the woods, the overwhelming feelings of love as I first held my newborns in my arms.


There aren’t many firsts anymore, but lucky for me the pleasures, although sometimes more muted, still exist. I have experienced the utter beauty of a sunny winter day high in the mountains, with all the trees covered in ice and snow, a lazy morning with time to cuddle in bed with my love or a grandchild in my arms, time spent romping with my grandkids who are still young enough to find joy in pillow fights and freeze tag—lucky me, to have all these magic moments. The sum of my choices has become my life, and I’m pretty happy with the wooded paths and uncharted roads these choices have led me through.


In a few days I’ll leave for California, and on April 3, Covid and damaged toe and ankle willing, I’ll start on the PCT (Pacific Crest National Scenic Trail.) I alternate between list making, crazed trip preparation, and you-tube videos on how to not drown crossing swollen ice-cold Sierra streams, and what to do if a mountain lion seems interested in you (DON’T RUN!)

I’m cautiously excited, but I got all the way out to the PCT last year, then the trail was closed due to Covid. I understand it could happen again.  Fingers crossed it won’t!  I’ve been doing tons of reading and watching PCT-related safety videos (how to self arrest with an ice ax if you start falling down a mountain, how to avoid some of the most unfortunate hiker mishaps on the trail (more about poodle dog bush in a future posting–who ever even HEARD of poodle dog bush?)  From the hiking books and PCT blogs I follow, I know people on the trail have A LOT of time to think in the quiet and aloneness of long-distance hiking.  I’m scared to death every now and then–more of the answers I may come up with to some life changes and perplexing questions I hope to sort out as I walk, than of mountain streams or mountain lions. I’m feeling guilty, too, about being away from my far-flung family for so long, especially after the forced separation due to Covid this past year.


I recognize I’m only getting older, —I only have to see who is REALLY there looking back at me when I look in the mirror. It’s not the young me. If I don’t give the trail a try this year, I may not have a chance or the ability to try again. So, another day begins of list making, sorting trail food, repacking my backpack, and making decisions I’ll have to live with for 5-6 months. I’m a day closer and one COVID vaccine shot nearer to starting the trail, and the adventure continues!

PS:  The attached photos of me are from the 16 years I’ve been hiking mountains.  What a glorious way to live!
PPS:  If you’re interested in seeing a map of the PCT, which starts at the Mexican/US border in Southern California and runs through the the entire states of California, Oregon and Washington, ending at the US/Canadian border (and who wouldn’t be interested?) click here:  

Maps

10 thoughts on “LOOKING IN THE MIRROR…

  1. Sue, We knew you handled your camera very well, did not know you handled your words with the same dexterity. Well said. We likely have had some of the same thoughts, but without being as clear in expressing. We wish you the best on the PCT and will look forward to your posts. Al & Linda

    Sent from Al’s iPad Pro

    Like

  2. I’m ~ ur age. Do not think trail can be Closed for COVID-19. Yes for environmental damage like fires & landslides. I hiked 1,000 miles last season – PCT & AZT. No problems. Suggest you take reasonable precautions in resupply towns. Good luck.

    Like

  3. Go Sue! Living the life in the best possible way! I think that the very first time I hiked with you may have been not long after you started hiking, and I remember you talking about multiple ascents of Kearsarge South to get in shape for the northern peaks. I was impressed with your cheerful grit and persistence, qualities that have brought you a long way since then! And I love seeing your happy smile in so many of the mountain photos you posted! Wishing you the very best on the trail, a thousand times over! (And “Hi” to Bruce!)

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Your words and thoughts have brought tears to my eyes as I feel so fortunate to have found the love of mountain hiking as the years have crept up on me….it added all the wonderful friends I have made along the way…you are among this amazing group. I wish you safe travels, exciting experiences and a peace of heart….enjoy every step along the way. We will be traveling with you by reading your words…♥️Judy and Kirk

    Like

  5. Great to hear from you, Sue! wish you the best on your PCT journey. Morocco and Patagonia seem long ago…I guess they were!

    Like

  6. Good luck, Sue. You are full of wonderful adventures, and your beautiful anticipation is a joy to read. Looking forward to more news xo

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s